Feeling flat
Posted by maebius on 16 Jun 2009 at 01:56 pm | Tagged as: Druidic, Esoteric, Faerie, Moon Muse, Uncategorized
I must first admit to being sorry for failing to update this blog with deep musings, or even daily moon-muse stuff like I had mentioned the other day. Not exactly sorry to you readers, but sorry to me for not making time to post… for I’ve mentioned that I write for me and getting comments from you all is just icing on my personal bloggy cake. 
Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit, well, Flat in terms of general life. I still try to spend a few minutes outside, but lately my inner brain just sits there and chatters away about cynical inane topics. “Yay, we are outside, you’re gonna get a bugbite. Oh, frogs calling, like I haven’t heard that before. What ya doin casting some circle, silly, no elementals are around today ya know.”
I don’t feel ‘adrift’ or confused, or even remarkably apathetic, and other than the inner-cynic I have had quite a string of happy thoughts and half-glimpsed musing topics. The issue is that sitting down to write about them, or even think about deeper issues lately just does. not. work. Like a case of serious Writer’s Block, even my spiritual practice is flat and feels a bit silly. I can’t manage to quiet that internal chatter or ground, much less focus enough to get some energetic response.
Yet I don’t feel ungrounded either. If I want to sit and concentrate on something, it eventually gets done, but that’s how it feels. It gets done. When I do manage to quiet my head and sit outside, I’m left with the same feeling as balancing the checkbook. It worked, and I sat, that’s all. It’s almost as if I’m a ship becalmed at sea. The waves are still rocking, and the sails are up, but nothing is moving me forward regardless of the (sometimes feeble-feeling) efforts to change it.
Strangely enough, this apparent lack of action is not depressing or frustrating. Expanding the boat metaphor, when I try to unfurl the sails and catch some non-existing breeze, it’s not really a big deal because the ship’s still at the harbor and in no danger of killing the crew. So, it’s an odd apathy, that does not feel quite like apathy, nor does it feel like a Flow, unless I’m Flowing to where I am now. Yet, behind it all is a general unease, that I should be doing or feeling -something- else. I can’t quite put my finger on what that something is though. Mainly, this is lightly distressing because it feels like a step back in my faerie work, which is now pretty much non-happening with nothing there to ‘pick up the phone‘, fae or otherwise.
I’ve even tried to immerse myself in playing world of Warcraft the past few nights, but I log off after about 20 minutes, bored.
So, until I kick this strange ennui, blog posts may be a bit sporadic or randomly topical.
Hmm…..
One reason to do a regular meditation practice is to get in the habit of “doing it anyway” even if you’re going through a flat period or it feels like not much is happening or it’s getting kind of boring. The more you practice the more habitual it becomes and the less the “oh god this is boring and stupid” voices come to distract you. But first you have to get past those voices.
One thing that seems to be a constant in everyone’s practice is that for some reason there is a part of the brain that really doesn’t want to do this work. You might be totally aware that it’s a positive thing for you, have the desire to do it, like it once you get going… but have this one brain-part that says, “ugh, let’s find a way to get out of this.” It shows up as “this is boring/pointless” thoughts, it shows up as “I’m no good at this” thoughts, it shows up as “I don’t really have time and anyway there’s this other stuff I want to do” thoughts. Those are totally normal and I think universal (and for some reason I have exactly the same set of reactions to physical exercise – I know it’s good for me and I know that once I get going I’ll like it, but I have to push through these hugely unhelpful voices to get there.) Part of doing the practice anyway is learning to recognize that voice and say, “oh, it’s you again,” and putting it aside instead of taking it seriously and going along with its dumb ideas. Putting distracting thoughts aside is a hugely useful skill but it takes practice, and meditation is that practice. Once you know your own habitual distracting thoughts you can shrug them off with no drama – the key is not feeding them through making them more important than they are. The two usual ways of doing this are by saying “Why, that’s right, this really is a boring and pointless exercise and I have better things to be doing!” or by saying “I am a terrible undisciplined person because I keep having these distracting thoughts and therefore I suck at meditating and should just stop now.” Often both thoughts occur at once.
The important thing to remember is that these are just distracting thoughts, not key bits of information about reality. Some people come up with more interesting and unusual excuses not to meditate (“I always encounter evil beings when I meditate, so I don’t do it!” is one memorable one) but it’s always from the same source – that one bit of the mind that is resistant. Once you know that bit and the tone it takes with you, it gets easier to ignore.
Thanks for the encouragement. I understand on some level that these are just particularly ho-hum thoughts being my own way of feeling stuck in a rut and manifesting as such. Yet, the almost interesting thing that may not have come across in the original posting was the feeling of not mattering to be not mattering.
In the past, when I hit a roadblock in practice, it’s much more cut & dried “resistance” to the practice/idea/concept. Currently, I don’t have as much resistance, as a more broadly spread lack of willpower, combined with a lack of concern for the lack of willpower.. if that makes sense?
Could be my own inner-critic knowing me better and adding yet another layer to get past, since it’s not quite the usual “Oh I’m terrible”, or “I have better things to do”. Because, this time, I don’t really feel like I have better things to do, and am feeling pretty sure of my self in Life. Strange, eh? I’m abiding.
I’ll continue to do my sit outside and meditate practice, though. In hopes of being inspired by something soon.