Maebius Musings

Whee, I rhymed!    (granted, any *-ing word is easy to rhyme)

Not much to report on the spiritual musing front, other than I am continuing to three-quarter-heartedly do my evening sitouts.  I say 3/4 heartedly, because it’s definitely with more intend than half-heartedfly, yet I still can’t seem to shake my own inner critic,which says I could use my time better playing on the computer or sleeping.   Nettle says the fact I’m still actively sitting outside feeling silly is still “success” though, so it’s something. 

On the Fae front, I am starting… starting… to get it smacked into my head that my perceptions and prejudices may be skewed, which is why I’m fighting myself on the whole evening meditation thing.  More details once I get actual words sorted out in my head instead of vague leanings and feelings.

…

This weekend, I will be taking the family down to PA for our first visit to Drum and Splash, at 4Quarters Farm.

This should be a fun event, for many many reasons.  Not the least of which involves drumming and splashing!   I like camping of any sort (camped in the backyard last week just for fun), I like getting away from work (don’t we all!), and I like visiting our friend Nettle, who will be attending with us.

http://www.4qf.org/_DrumSplash/_Img/TextLogo.jpg

Also, unrelated to this blog, but we are currently going through some strangeness at work.  Most likely, sometime in hte next week or 5 months from now, our night-shift guy will be gone, and I have been told I would be switching to a 4am-noon shift (somewhat against my will), so my attention to esoteric topics has been a bit distracted with Life lately, and I’ve been somewhat uninspired to blog deeper thoughts.

I promise to have more in-depth musing posts shortly.  I have one in draft right now about the monotheistic tendency for Afterlife Gratification rather than pagan Nowness, and another on wildcraft gardening tips I learned over the years.  See you soon!

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This weekend we drive to western NY to visit my wife’s God-daughter for a smallish birthday party.   She’s 15 now, and planning her future as a foreign exchange student.  I always joke with her that when she shakes hands with the UN council, please take a picture for me, since this young lady is super-smart and definitely has grand plans for World unity, helps at the retirement home, and all-around good hearted Envoy to Humanity.   I wish her luck!

To keep it short though (since work is crazy this week), one thing we did while visiting was stop by and spend the majority of Saturday at “Griffis Scuplture Park“. This was a really, really unique and interesting experience.  Lots of hiking around, sometimes gazing out over the fields of tall guardian spirits, and sometimes turning a corner along the woodlands trails to discover a giant cobra or triceratops

The sprogling thought the best part, of course, was the castle! This almost 3-storey tall structure was full of kids playing, and while the top level got rather warm (it’s all welded metal, and was a sunny day) it still is totally something I’d love to have in our yard.    For scale, the doorway in this image is approx 5ft high.  Just tall enough for adults to go under, but I needed to duck a bit when crawling around inside it.

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I figure it’s time for a brief update on my addiction, World of Warcraft.   Feel free to skip this post if you are one of my readers who visits for the more esoteric musings.  I’ll be back with more sloshy or solidified posts after this weekend. 

(insert screenshots here)

I have two main characters lately,  Kanandi, the troll priestess, who is now active in a wonderful casual raiding guild, and Nookni the hunter, who groups with others infrequently and spends much time farming materials to sell, or practicing his fishing skill.  Both of these characters have now reached the max-level and are tons of fun to play in their own rights.

Kanandi tends to only come online lately to join in group runs of instances, and for this reason tends to have a bit of a cash-flow problem.  When working on progression fights, there are repair costs that rack up.  As a cloth-wearer, these are kept to a minimum, but still spends more on potions and repairs than she actually brings in in-game.  However, also due to the fact that Kanandi sees more bosses die, her gear and equipment is getting better than I ever expected to earn before I joined up with this guild.  I’m starting to finally lose the feeling that I get “propped up” by the other group members.

Nookni, however, is quite a joy to play now that I’ve gotten to max level, and can concentrate on simple semi-mindless grinding of monsters.   He’s currently talented as a Beastmaster, which makes the hunter-pet by his side quite powerful (at a cost of Nookni being less Uber).  This allows me to effortlessly zone out and just send in Nall to attack a group of enemies, then loot the rewards after a few moments.  With such a powerful pet, able to survive being outnumbered, it’s a nice way to unwind before bed, and earn a bit of in-game cash (to support Kanandi’s raiding).  Sometimes, I also enjoy fishing with Nookni, which is about as mindless an activity you can do.   Click the button to fish, click again on hte bobber when it “splashes”, and collect your reward if done quick enough.   Easy, and easy to do with some tunes queued up from Last.fm, and relaxing.

My druid, Pohatu, is not in the guild, and currently on temporary vacation until I can earn some gold to outfit him and Nookni with a bit better gear.  In particular, this game has “heirloom” items that scale as the wearer levels up.  They are purchased by special Emblems received in high-level dungeons (see the synergy here yet?) and Kanandi allllmost has enough to buy a really fancy Staff for Pohatu to use along with his fancy shoulders.

The guild I’m in with these two characters is tons of fun.  They use a Ventrillo service, so we can voice-chat, and I’ve gotten to know quite a few really funny and unique individuals, some of whom are non-english speakers (Québécois). I look forward to raid nights when one of our french+english speakers regales us with “Ferret Fact of the day” (He raises ferrets), or the mage-girl gets picked on for being a hot dumb blonde.

All in all,  I still enjoy this game, mostly as a form of therapy and socialization, rather than a hardcore Gamer-epeen.

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As requested by Nettle, I’ve tried to do a lot more “receptive” sitting, rather than “directive” meditations for the past few days, and wanted to put a brief status report here, for commentary and my own records. Progress is unfinished of course (is it ever?!) but I’m noticing a trend I wanted to muse about.

At first, over the weekend, I had a little success with such things.   I tend to just try listening to the surroundings, feeling the breeze, and such, but it always seems slightly shallow.   I exist, and I relax, but the nagging bit of my brain continues to pester me about Doing something.  It’s going to be a tough nut to crack, after decades of training otherwise.     Still, I consider the attempts a success if I merely relax, de-stress, and end the session feeling a little more grounded and present, even if no overwhelming (or subtle) energetic flows are detected.

Then, last two nights, utilizing a hunk of magnetite and a small crystal to help balance and tune in to energies (as suggested elsewhere), I felt something different than my normal mundane-ness.   I felt sloshy.

You know that feeling when you are driving with a soft tire, or a slightly icy road (or perhaps buzzed on alcohol) where you still have control of the car, but turns seem a bit loose and, well,  sloshy?  That’s how I felt.  I was able to recreate it today too at work, by sitting alone in the computer room for 5 minutes.  The world was wobbly, but in somewhat of a good way, yet still kinda scary due to a vague loss of control.  I couldn’t focus on the feeling much, other than experience it, and I’m not entirely sure it feels “correct” if that makes sense.

To shake the sloshy feeling, I decided to try a more directed Shield/Egg/Circle -meditation, since it felt a bit more familiar.  But that still felt flat and only canceled out the slosh by waking up my inner-critic.

I’m still thinking to myself something else should be happening, as described in the various books, conversations, and such.  I should be feeling a flow of energy, a grounded connection with the Universe, or a lightening of the spirit.  Instead, I get a sense of chaotic almost-control….   Sloshy.

Hmmm….

(cue inner-critic complaining I’m doing it wrong, then bash him upside the head with self-rationalization, and stir 2 parts overtired giddiness.  Pour over ice-doubt and drink.  That might explain things too. )  Seems I need quite a bit of practice in these new techniques.

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Tuesday the sprogling reached a milestone in educational excellence, graduating Kindergarden!

We had some issues in the morning because of some related issues surrounding the graduation event.  (Namely, one of his school psychologists told him a month ago that he needs to move to his own room and own bed when he graduates and he agreed half-heartedly.   Thus resulted in recent nightmares and a unexpectedly profound fear of abandonment as the date approached.  He apparently is now convinced that since he was graduated, if he does something wrong he’ll have to leave, and won’t be our son anymore.  Yesterday was not a fun day, full of crying and lots of cuddle-time.   EEK!)

The actual ceremony was nice.  My wife and two other parents put in about $50 each to get flowers, balloons and party-decorations, and the cafeteria where it was hep looked festive.   Green and white are the school colours, and the mascot is the “Bulldogs”.   Each kid had a white or green laminated card-stock mortarboard  with the clipart/logo, school name, date, and such, plus a real tassle on top.

They all filed onto a stage to the traditional “Pomp and Circumstance“  tune, by class (there were 4 classes of around 15-18 students each).   Then, each class took their turn standing up front as a group and singing a song.    This was followed by the entire group singing a “kindergarden song” as shown on this video. (linked videos are not his group, our camera takes video that apparently are too big to compress to YouTube).

After this, the kids all lined up in groups as they read their names and got their diplomas.     Following this, the kids were allowed to go sit with their families, and they showed a very touching slideshow set to music showing photos taken all throughout the year and set to music.   There were quite a few sniffles and such for this neat presentation.

After this, everyone broke up and had cookies and punch in the kindergarden classrooms, and eventually went home for the day.

I’ll be posting pictures and a short video or two if I can figure out how to split the epic video-length that we recorded, and/or compress the photos to web-appropriate sizes. 

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This weekend was one of many activities and adventures.  The least, (or greatest) of which was the Summer solstice, longest day of the year in this region of the globe.

Saturday, the kid had two birthday parties to attend, and I had been working night-shift so got precious few hours of sleep that ‘morning’.   The first was at our neighbor’s house, so was a quick walk down the road.

That party was lots of fun for both the kids and adults.  They emptied out their 2-car garage and decorated it with crepe-paper streamers and ribbons, signs, and a few balloons.  Outside was the well-known play set, growing each year and starting to rival thenearby public park in complexity and size, plus a giant trampoline with safety netting installed so securely that even the adults could almost bounce off it.

Also, was “Mister E”. and his side-kick clown “No-No”, which the kids absolutely LOVED!   His assistant, (9 r old son) was a classic semi-depressed, beaten-down clown who’s character wanted to be a big star.  The magician himself was very much a performer, and had the roudy group of kids yelling and laughing along with his act for the better part of an hour.    Yours truly got to be on stage as the unprompted “brave volunteer”, which involved me dressing up like a rooster (hat, beak, gloves and plunger-tail) and crowing “COCKADOODLEDOOOO” randomly throughout a funny little song and dance.   Of course those who know me, can probably imagine the shy, withdrawn manner in which I acted out this role (not!)   Peter Pan himself had nothing on my crowing!     (Youtube video forthcoming once I get a copy from the neighbors!).   I also was told my the wife-neighbor that her husband atmitted he’d live to see me actually drunk sometime, after joining all the kids in a rousing sack-race and other yard activities.  I’m a sucker for kid-games and just had to join in with the trampoline and other festivities while the other adults stood around chatting. 

With a short hour between the end of this party and another more subdued one at the local Gymnastics studio, we washed up, changed out of the fairly muddy kid and hopped back in the car.    That party only had a handful of kids (which was somewhat sad, because the birthday boy is one of the shy quiet types, and not getting a huge turnout must surely re-enforce the issue) but was filled with lots of running around at the gymnastics center, including a huge parachute they played with, and lots of climbing.  When it was time for cake and presents, everyone was breathing hard and smiling brightly.

The evening, my wife had gone and picked up a bobcat skid-loader and the next two days were pretty much filled with either sleeping, or helping move dirt and rocks around the property, as well as shoveling out 2 years worth of layered manure in the barn (about a foot deep in most spots).

aside:  While this may sound kinda gross, horse manure is pretty clean stuff, and in the barn it compacts and dries pretty quickly into the consistancy of damp potting soil mixed with broken up hay.   We allow it to accumulate over the winter for a number of reasons, including it making a softer walking surface than solid cement, and the composting action vaguely warms up the barn in winter.  This is one of those things that works well for us, but some city-folks tend to scoff at as icky or laziness.  C’est la vie.

Sunday itself, was mostly full of Bobcatting (is that a real verb?) stuff, and sleeping in in the morning.   I’m on night-shift two or three days a week, which basically wrecks my sleep-schedule hardcore.  If it was all week I could adapt, but swapping from day to night shift mid-week twice (meaning two days I go in 8am-5pm, then return at midnight that ‘evening’) last week is really tough.  Yesterday I almost fell asleep AT work, and then when I got home I fell into some time-warp and 9 hours passed without me even blinking, so deep and powerful was my slumber. 

In addition to cleaning out the majority of the barn, we used the Bobcat to remove some pesky large rocks or clumps of brambles from the yard/pasture/field.  Also, we have a rock retaining wall that has started to crumble, so we moved quite a lot of dirt and manure to this edge and started back-filling it in.   Eventually, the dangerous cliff with a pile of rusty ragged metal and tire-scraps will be converted to a much more aesthetic hill, for sledding and wildflower gardens.

Father’s Day celebrations were delayed slightly due to schedules and work needing down when we had the rented power-mover (plus I forgot about it until the afternoon).   Likewise, I celebrated the summer Solstice with a nice bonfire and sitting outside watching the sunset Monday evening.

After the rest of the family went to sleep, I got dressed for work, played on the computer for an hour or so, then went outside to sit under the stars.  For the first time in a while, there was nothing Flat about the experience.  I’ll write up those particular details in another post tonight.

Until then, happy Summer, and may your nights be long and peaceful!

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Nettle mentioned in a prior comment, that I tend to describe things in terms of “doing” rather than simply “experiencing” stuff when it comes to esoteric and metaphysical experiences.   This got me thinking about some other observations I’d had (which could be totally off-base).

With no insult intended to either group, I think this difference we have may have some roots in gender-differences, though whether it is genetic or childhood nurturing I can not say.

For myself, as I wrote previously, I have always wanted to “do” stuff with energy.  Tai Chi practice continually challenged us students to harness our inner Chi and direct it around ourselves as we went through our practices and Kata. Likewise, the bit of experience I have with Reiki was explained to us as reaching out to the Universal Light and gathering/drawing it down to the person we are healing.     Yet as much as I can see such things in my head, it is tough to feel a sense of physicality in such workings, beyond rare almost unplanned moments of successful synergy.

Outside the realm of those energy-practices, I’ve noticed similar trends within the fragments of pagan-scene I’ve been able to participate or observe.   I really enjoy Drum circles.   I mean Really.   I could probably live an entire month by myself, foraging for food and building a sleeping structure, and be totally happy if evenings included even the distant sounds of a drum circle.

Drum circles also tend to be predominantly ‘male’ things.    Granted, I know quite a few wonderful drummers who happen to be women, but they also tend to be, with no insult intended, more “butch” than the average lady.  More Yang than Yin, if that makes sense.

This dichotomy came up once before, many years ago at a gathering.  I tried attuning myself to the Universe through some pretty specific practices, and wanted only to spin glow-stick Poi all night.  I needed to move, to ‘dance’ as it were, and to Create something, even if it were only in my own mind and body.   My wife and friend prefered to sit more quietly in the tent, listening to the sounds of the wilderness, taking in the Lights and communing with the fabric of reality.   Receiving, in a sense, instead of Doing.

Interesting, hmm?

For this reason, I am putting out an intention to find a Male Mystery group sometime.  I’m curious what such a group would offer, (beyond talking sports, hunting prowess, and good-natured snarking about our wives).

Any other readers (men or women) care to comment on this topic as a friendly discussion?

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I’ll admit, other than a few rare times which seem almost completely out of my control, I find it hard to “manipulate energy” in the sense that I think most Martial Artists and Spiritual Practitioners think of when they do what they do.

I’ve gotten a Reiki attunement (level 2) but don’t feel that it stuck anywhere, since my 1st level was much more “real” and present feeling.   It’s odd, knowing at the core of my being that such things exist and seem to work for many people, but my own batteries and curcuits are not quite superconducting. In others, I have been able to feel the flow quite readily, and am always amazed at such ability.

My friend from high-school and I were playing around once, our hands touching,  and he set his focus on drawing energy from the solar system. At first, it was a nice little guided visualization experiment. We imagined ourselves swooping through the cosmos, and I relaxed quite a bit, like any positive de-stress meditation should.

Then we got to the sun, and he said he’d draw up some of that solar energy. I actually pulled my hands away from his at that point, feeling my wrists burned slightly.  This was before I was more solidly planted along this LifePath, and such a direct physical manifestation of Power was shocking to me.  It actually felt hot, and fiery.  His hands were warm, like he’d been holding a hot water bottle.   WoW!

Others have had similar experiences, and I have felt a flow of energy from others, most noticably in some Drum circles, or during group work.   Once the energy gets here, I often feel I can watch it and direct things slightly, but as an assist, rather than a source or outlet for such things.

Over the years, I’ve tried many times to make my hands hot, or cool, or envision myself a tree full of starlight and earthfire, and while the visual imagery is much easier than in the past, tactile stimulii are always unfound.   I try concentrating on a point in my body to gather energy there, I try relaxing and not-trying to gather energy there in hopes of letting it go there, and quite a few other types of practice I’d read about or been suggested.

I’ve started to wonder if, since everyone has different talents and techniques, I’m either approaching this from an entirely wrong angle, even if it’s described as the right way… or I need to focus on other aspects of energy work, since this one is not for me.

Hmm…..

PS:  Anyone able to confirm this new blog is updating RSS feeds properly now?  I see them in my google reader, as well as comments Feeding correctly.  Still curious if outside readers are having the same success.

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I must first admit to being sorry for failing to update this blog with deep musings, or even daily moon-muse stuff like I had mentioned the other day.   Not exactly sorry to you readers, but sorry to me for not making time to post… for I’ve mentioned that I write for me and getting comments from you all is just icing on my personal bloggy cake.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit, well, Flat in terms of general life.   I still try to spend a few minutes outside, but lately my inner brain just sits there and chatters away about cynical inane topics.  “Yay, we are outside, you’re gonna get a bugbite. Oh, frogs calling, like I haven’t heard that before.  What ya doin casting some circle, silly, no elementals are around today ya know.”

I don’t feel ‘adrift’ or confused, or even remarkably apathetic, and other than the inner-cynic I have had quite a string of happy thoughts and half-glimpsed musing topics.  The issue is that sitting down to write about them, or even think about deeper issues lately just does.  not.  work.  Like a case of serious Writer’s Block, even my spiritual practice is flat and feels a bit silly.  I can’t manage to quiet that internal chatter or ground, much less focus enough to get some energetic response.

Yet I don’t feel ungrounded either.  If I want to sit and concentrate on something, it eventually gets done, but that’s how it feels.  It gets done.   When I do manage to quiet my head and sit outside, I’m left with the same feeling as balancing the checkbook.  It worked, and I sat, that’s all.  It’s almost as if I’m a ship becalmed at sea.  The waves are still rocking, and the sails are up, but nothing is moving me forward regardless of the (sometimes feeble-feeling) efforts to change it.

Strangely enough, this apparent lack of action is not depressing or frustrating.  Expanding the boat metaphor, when I try to unfurl the sails and catch some non-existing breeze, it’s not really a big deal because the ship’s still at the harbor and in no danger of killing the crew.    So,  it’s an odd apathy, that does not feel quite like apathy, nor does it feel like a Flow, unless I’m Flowing to where I am now.     Yet, behind it all is a general unease, that I should be doing or feeling -something- else.   I can’t quite put my finger on what that something is though.   Mainly, this is lightly distressing because it feels like a step back in my faerie work, which is now pretty much non-happening with nothing there to ‘pick up the phone‘, fae or otherwise.

I’ve even tried to immerse myself in playing world of Warcraft the past few nights, but I log off after about 20 minutes, bored.

So, until I kick this strange ennui, blog posts may be a bit sporadic or randomly topical.

Hmm…..

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Maebius gets inked.

I got my first tattoo years and years ago.  So far if fact, that I honestly can not remember exactly when it was.  Sometime after high-school but before I really finished (in a sense) further University schooling (I never actually graduated per-se).

A friend of mine split the bill for it, though we were not really dating or such.  It’s a long sordid complex story for another day perhaps.    Suffice it to say, I got one.  A small triple-spiral on the inside of my left ankle (shown faded in image below).

Before actually getting the tattoo itself, I spent a good month or two drawing the same image onto my ankle with a ball-point pen.  Every morning, or near enough each one, I would wake, shower, etc, and re-draw my tattoo.   The reason was to see if I really liked it, and could handle having something permanent on my skin.  The more I drew it, the more I noticed the days I forgot to draw it, so, it worked.  I then got properly Inked.

It was painful, especially over the bone, but in a good way.    This was before my deeper explorations into the spiritual aspect of my current lifestyle, but looking back I still approached it as a sacred event.

Years later, with a wife and family, I started to finalize my on-going dream of extending that little triskele into something more involved and more symbolic of things.   The final result is pictured below, and was done by an apprentice tattoo artist, which means it is slightly imperfect.  I’ve gotten comments on this from two people already, which somewhat irritates me.  you see, this imperfection and signs of “learning the trade” were very much intentional on my part, and I love it.

It helped the apprentice artist get a lot of confidence being able to do “a real job” instead of tiny/simple things for random people.  For the same reason I don’t mind getting my hair cut at the local beauty-school by half-trained people.  The way I see it, the only way to get better is to learn and practice, so I don’t mind being a practice dummy. 

Beyond the original spirals, I had gone through countless variations of a Circle & Triangle design around it.  That much was certain in my head, but unclear beyond what what I wanted.    Luckily, the main artist I worked with spoke at length with me, scribbling probably a hundred different ideas.  I wanted a flame, probably, and something that looked almost tribal but was not the over-done swirly flack-fire stuff you see all over the place, including pre-printed “flash art” on the walls of many Tattoo stores.

I can’t form into words what the final product means, other than:  Me.  It’s different, it’s relatively simple, and it’s full of thoughts that don’t really translate into words.  The triangle matches the triple spiral in number, but I’m not a numerologist.  It’s kinda druidic (being a Three-aspect thing) but not quite.  The fires, are Fire, in the same way Nettle explains Deer in her post.   It just IS, on whatever layer you see Fire at.

Something that burns, sure, but something that transforms,  gives light, inspires, reminds me of pagan drum circles, and helps us get rid of paper-trash that can’t be recycled at home.  All that and more, stuck on my ankle, and thus part of Me.

The flames, I will eventually get highlighted with red and orange, someday, with the original spiral re-done or edged in forest green, or otherwise manipulated and modified slightly.  Time will tell, and right now does not feel “right/necessary” yet.    Though probably by the time I am 40, as part of some inner Rite of Passage to that age-bracket?

Better image hopefully once I get the camera working.

Also,  I re-read this and realize it does a horrid job of conveying the spiritual resonance for when I got this.  My brain;s foggy from night-shift work.   I’ll try to add more Musing-type thoughts on a later post.

Enjoy!

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